Pilot Ready for Landing

"Don't leave the key underneath the mat for me 'cause I won't be coming back around here."

Wrapped up the pilot of Bottoms Up tonight (phrase which I masterfully incorporated in the latest of my published articles on GL.) I'm sharing it with all two to three of you for feedback. It's fun enough, and I have plans for about six episodes vaguely. It's just a shame I'm not more humorous.

Speaking of which, I'm feeling very dry tonight. It's a strange sensation, being drained of emotion. For one of the first times in my life, I understand Rhett Butler and how you can be depleted of your feeling for someone. There's always something there, but sometimes you have to put your foot down, shrug, and just say "I'm sorry. I'll always care about you vaguely, but I just can't put the effort in anymore. I don't care to. The motivation is gone," a long pause, "You killed it."

It'd be one of those long, awkward moments where you, nonchalant as ever would just tilt your head and offer a small smile. It isn't that you mean to be mean. You don't care enough to mean anything. You feel nothing. Every emotion you ever felt before has evaporated. For every complaint, moment of angst, it's all replaced with something else: complacency. It's replaced with the word 'whatever. I just don't care. Do what you want, just leave me out of it.'

It's hard to describe. I think coupled with fatigue, its tendencies are only accentuated. But you can't say you don't care at all, not even the slightest .000001% because that'd be a lie. You just don't care the way you used to. You just don't feel the way you used to because you don't really feel anything. And all you can really say is "I'm sorry." You look that person dead in the eyes. "It was you."

Here's Bottoms Up! Hooray.

Realism v. Idealism

Skimming some reviews for (500) Days of Summer tonight and among them, found this quote:

Dreams are what we pursue until reality sets in.

For some reason, perhaps because of contact irritation, which has been plaguing my eyes all day, this disturbed me. As a somewhat realistic teen, I have been struggling with this issue for a while. Reality bites. Things never go quite the way you plan. Sometimes they're better. Sometimes they're worse. Is it worth believing in something and getting your hopes up and heart floating when you know more than likely it's going to be shot down?

While I originally thought of this in terms of career aspirations and colleges (because, as everyone knows, that's all I think about), eventually my thoughts came to love.

In fiction, you want it to work out. Characters are literally written for each other (foils for the win, obviously). They need to be together. Twilight isn't Twilight if Edward and Bella don't share that passionate kiss. It just isn't a love story, more or less, when the two main characters don't get married, don't end up with each other. It's a love tragedy. Love at first sight, marrying your first love (Nate Archibald and Blair Waldorf, for example)--they're supposed to happen in fiction. We want it to happen. It's a perfect universe. And in a perfect universe, shouldn't it?

But now to reality: I've learned not to expect anything. I don't believe in love at first sight. The idea of marrying a first love repulses me. There are so many people out there. How can you settle for one without a sample of the rest of the world? I don't know what love is anymore. I don't want to fall in it. I don't believe--absolutely cannot conceive--how two people can convienantally have the same intensity of feelings for the other at the same time. It's really quite remarkable. And marriage....a joke for half the country. This media and adult generation, has shaken my ideas of a happy ending. I want to believe in a love that really changes you--that captures you and captivates you--that just holds onto your heart and hands and takes you completely. I want to, but I can't.

In reality, you can't fall anymore because the consequences are too great. It just isn't practical. No one (myself included) wants to lose control.

I have very low expectations for a relationship in real life. I have very high ones for any fictional affair. When it comes to giving advice though on what a girl/guy should do about their guy/girl problems respectively, it's very hard for me to say get attached. I know when you don't get attached, you won't get much back and you sacrifice that deep relationship that oozes in romantic comedies.

I once believed in true love when I was a kid. I once believed your soulmate was out there, doing homework or something. I once imagined our thoughts might converge on the same topic every so often--that maybe, for just a split second, he was thinking of you, his future wife/girlfriend/whatever and how powerful the love you'll share will be. He's longing for you even though you're so far away and won't enter his life for years, maybe even decades when I was younger.

But it's too hard to lose faith completely. You can't stop dreaming even if you know reality stinks. Yes, it may be the rough lesson you learn someday, that nothing is truly fair and dreams don't come true even if you work hard for them and that love just doesn't last, but you have to believe in something when you're young regardless of how wrong it is. I'd rather follow my dreams than prescribe to a subpar reality even if the latter's more likely.

It's because there's this chance. There's this chance that while you're shooting for the stars, you'll still end up above the ground and in the sky. You may just make it. You may just unlock something truly deep, amazing, and just plain idealistic. And you never would have if you lost faith in people, love, dreams, and the world around you.

And maybe it's stupid. Maybe it's not the practical thing to do, but to me, the opportunity cost--your spirit--is far greater if you don't. I'll never stop believing in a concept. I refuse to give up my unrealistic dreams. And yes, I refuse to stop believing there's still a small part of me (deep, deep down somewhere) that believes in love. It's too hard not to.

Sharing the Wealth

I hate summer. Because high school has ended, I feel my life especially has no purpose. Purpose is on hiatus. 

In the midst of all this free time (I hate free time!), I have started yet another writing project. I'm actually recruiting my friends to act as editors for this one--I actually feel like this project gives back.

Introducing 'They're Just Not That Into You,' the college admissions guide that dares to go there. It's like Degrassi in booklet form. It also has nice design I did last night.

Regardless, it's an exciting project because of the potential it has. This booklet may actually be useful to people. It's also great because I've been able to reach out to my bored senior friends,  who have signed on as editors and writers. Very cool.

I'm writing like an elementary school student tonight, but I don't have much to say. I watched Lady and the Tramp II with my sister and all my grown up, snarky remarks have been used up for the day. Who knew Disney movies had such overt symbolism?